Nothing to Hold
by L. D. Nicolescu
Summary: In the end there was nothing to hold on to, but goodbye and Kushina has to find that out the hard way, leaving her home and her life to set on a journey that will challenge everything she knows. Sequel to Madness.


**Nothing to Hold On**

* * *

_"And I don't even know how I survive,_  
_I won't make it to the shore without your light_  
_No I don't even know if I'm alive."_

_Armin Van Buure, This Is What it Feels Like. _

* * *

The wind was cool on her face, something she welcomed. Winter wasn't that far off. Maybe if she was lucky enough and she could outstretch her visit, she might be able to see snow. Oh, how she missed it. There was no snow in Konoha, and even thought she welcomed the warm climate of her adoptive village, she wished to see the whiteness of the frozen water once again. It would almost make her feel at home.

Looking over the silent village, she wondered what might her fate taken her if the circumstances of her being brought here had been any different. Perhaps happiness won't have felt as such a commodity, maybe she would have been able to open herself to those close to her, maybe she wouldn't have suffered over an unrequited love, maybe she would have lived a normal and well received life in this village.

She would miss it, she decided, searching for her favorite spots with her eyes. She would miss the Sundays, after missions when her friends and her would sit around and talk about trivial things. The taste of the ramen at that little ramen shop that had opened a few years ago run by the owner and his daughter. The long walks in the park near the Hokage's tower where she would collect her thoughts and settle her feelings over something when something was specially difficult to lay out in words. The stone at the cemetery which she would bring flowers ever chance she got to pay her respects. But most of all, she would miss him.

It had surprised her when her heart finally stopped denying it. She had always wondered such matters, specially after she was brought back to the village by him a long time ago. Ever since then, she knew that something had changed in her. Even if she didn't want to admit it. There was something there, lurking inside her heart that had grown stronger and had forced her to be more aware of things. It had taken her nearly ten years to understand that this nagging feeling in her heart, this skip of the heart beat whenever he was near, was something more than just admiration pouring out. It was love. A more than friendship kind of love.

And that was one of the reasons she had decided this was imminent

He was theirs now. He had proved as such two days ago, when her so called freedom had been bestowed upon her. But really? What did she expect? He was the next in line for Hokage. He was expected to throw himself over whatever dangers threatened the village, not it jinchuuriki. No matter how important the third claimed her to be. She was just a weapon of use, not a person.

The thought saddened her. She had never realized how much she wished her love was returned.

The wind covered her face with her hair, something that had always annoyed her, yet at this moment that was the farthest thought from her mind.

"You are leaving then," a voice she loved called from behind her, not managing to startle her in the least, for she had felt his presence miles away.

She didn't turn, she only kept gazing at the light which once had been her home. "I am," she agreed, feeling sad over the thought. "I have a mission I must complete before my rage can be subsided."

Footsteps disturbed the night's peace, but only for a second, for they posed themselves next to her, over the cliff. "Your dream had always been to travel the world. Maybe in a way you'll be able to at least fulfill that."

A smile tugged on her lips. "How do you do it?" she turned to him. "How do you always manage to see the good in everything?"

His lips tugged with a smile, thought he didn't let them. "It annoys my father, though I perfected it."

"You must be careful on how you act around him thought, you never know how your children may come out."

"I have no desire for children," he sighed, closing his eyes. "I could never give them the warmth of a living body."

She cast her eyes to the ground, feeling guilty on that. "I couldn't let you die, you know that."

He looked at his right wrist, where the symbol of his life lay. "I wonder about that."

She didn't answer. There was nothing she could say that would change the facts. There was only the future now.

"So what are you going to do?"

She looked at him, a little startled. She'd assumed he already knew the answer. She settled her gazed at the lights below them. "Things change..." was her simple answer.

He looked back at her, frustration on his features. That was not the answer he was expecting, even he did already know it. "I know but-" he interrupted himself. Perhaps he knew that arguing wouldn't lead them anywhere. "So you are just going to stand aside and watch as thing develop? Aren't you going to do anything at all?"

Was she? Was that the real reason for her journey? Or was there something deeper there that she would never be able to admit to herself, even less, others. She didn't know. The future, for her, was beyond her understanding.

"He knows," she answered, remembering their last encounter. She had never seen such emotion in his eyes. Almost as if, she was betraying him.

"Because if it were for me," she had muttered looking over her shoulder. "You'd all be dead by now."

And she had meant it.

"But don't you think that maybe he was just-"

"What?" she asked frustrated. There was no reason there, just emotion. "He's not the kind of guy who does things without a reason. If he didn't stop me or said something about the matter is because...because..." she trying saying but her tongue failed her. It was far too painful to even remember.

His gaze softened which made her wonder why hadn't it been him? Why had her heart chosen the longest path? The most difficult one? It was a riddle she would have to find the answer to.

"So you are really leaving, huh?" he looked back down at the city lights.

"I have no choice." She said.

"You are wrong," he chuckled, "we all have a choice. You just chose the easiest one."

She smiled a bitter smile at his words. He knew her that well. "I'm that easy to read, huh?"

He smiled back at her. "No," he walked over to her and laid a hand on her cheek. "I just know you that well."

They fell silent. Words failing them, but perhaps they didn't need them. Everything else had been said already.

"I'm going to miss you," she admitted, leaning in his hand.

"I'm going to miss you too."

The hugged one another. A final goodbye to what they thought would be their last encounter for a while.

"Stay clear of the frontier with Kuzagakure," he said, moving away from her. "Kumo has retreated, but Iwagakure is still going strong. We don't know how long till they reach our border."

"I can't promise that," she smiled sadly, knowing that she had a long way to go.

He took a strand of her now short hair and twisted it in his finger. "And keep yourself safe."

She leaned against his hand. "There is no need. Even if I die, the remaining chakra in me would still-"

"Kushina." He chastised.

She sighed, looking back at him. "Fine, I will do my best to keep myself as far away from the Kuzagakure's border."

He chuckled and kissed her forehead.

"Sato," She said, not looking at him in the eye. "Don't forget. Don't you dare forget that promise you made to me all those years ago."

"If I ever lose control of Kyuubi," she had said, a dark sad look on her face. "You must kill be before I can hurt anyone else. Promise me, Sato. Promise me you won't hesitate."

That promise pained him. He didn't know if he would have the guts to kill someone he loved. He had promised her that he would kill her if anything went wrong, but he wasn't sure that he would be able to keep that promise. And yet his next words came out effortlessly.

"I won't."

They said their goodbyes and she left with a sword in her hand, something she had always longed for. And yet, as she gazed one last time at her previous home, she wished nothing more than to turn back and head home.


End file.
